Copy Editing and Proofreading Example #2

Example #2 Copy Edit (from a Personal Essay, ESL student)
Before copy edit: But what I liked the most of all about this trip was the camel ride we all took across the valley of the dessert at the end of the very last day of the trip, when the sun was not as hot as it was the previous 3 days.  It was a beautiful sight to behold, the dessert from the camel’s back: a vista calm and very serene with no structures or people, just gentle hills of variations of red and tan that extended for miles and miles.   What thrilled me though, more than the camel ride itself, occurred when I was leading my camel out of the valley, and suddenly felt his warm breath on my neck.  I felt as though we were all connected together, including the camels and all the animals, the desert, the sky, and human beings. 

Example #2  Copy Edited  (Using Track Changes)
But what I liked the most of all about The highlight of this three-day trip was the camel ride we all took across the desert valley of the dessert at the end of the dusk on the very last day of the trip, when the sun was not as intense hot as it was the  previous 3 days.  The landscape It was a beautiful sight to behold, the dessert from the camel’s back lofty perspective: a  vista calm and very serene vista with no structures or people, just of gentlye rolling russet hills of variations of red and tan that extended for miles and miles. What thrilled me though, even more than the camel ride itself, occurred when I was leading my camel out of the valley:, and suddenly. Unexpectedly, I felt his its warm breath on my neck. I felt as though and somehow this made me realize that we were are all connected -- together, including the camels and all the animals, the desert, the Earth, and the sky., and human beings. [<You might want to explain how the camel's breath made you sense this interconnectedness...

Example #2 After Copy Edit: The highlight of this three-day trip was the camel ride we took across the desert valley at dusk on the last day of the trip, when the sun was not as intense. The landscape was beautiful from the camel's lofty perspective: a serene vista of gently rolling russet hills that extended for miles.  What thrilled me though, even more than the camel ride, occurred when I was leading my camel out of the valley. Unexpectedly, I felt its warm breath on my neck and somehow this made me realize that we are all connected -- all animals, the desert, the Earth, and the sky. 

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Example 2 Proofread
But w What I liked the most of all about this trip was the camel ride we all took across the valley of the dessert at the end of the day, on the very last day of the trip, when the sun was not as intense and hot as it was on the previous 3 three days. The desert It was a beautiful sight to behold, the dessert from the camel’s back: a vista calm and very serene with no structures or people, just gentle hills of variations of red and tan that extended for miles and miles.  What thrilled me though, more than the camel ride itself, occurred when I was leading my camel out of the valley, and I suddenly felt his warm breath on my neck.  I felt as though we were are all connected together, -- including the camels and all the animals, the desert, the sky, and human beings.

#2 After Proofread: What I liked the most of all about this trip was the camel ride we took across the valley of the desert at the end of the day, on the very last day of the trip, when the sun was not as intense and hot as it was on the previous three days.  The desert was a beautiful sight to behold from the camel’s back: a vista calm and very serene with no structures or people, just gentle hills of variations of red and tan that extended for miles and miles.  What thrilled me though, more than the camel ride itself, occurred when I was leading my camel out of the valley and suddenly felt its warm breath on my neck. I felt as though we are all connected together -- the camels and all animals, the desert, the sky, and human beings.

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